In the second paragraph of my essay I “tell” instead of “show” the audience about my relationship with Barb.

A year prior to their wedding, Barb and I had a good relationship. She viewed me as the “little sister she never had”. I enjoyed spending time with her because I felt that I could talk to her about things that I couldn’t talk to my conservative sister, Julie about. I would talk to Barb about the usual girl things; boys, shopping, friends, and partying. When she came up on a weekend to visit we would exercise together, go shopping, or just talk.

I now “show” the reader my relationship with Barb instead of telling.

A year prior to their wedding, Barb and I had a good relationship. She viewed me as the “little sister she never had”. I enjoyed spending time with her because I felt that I could talk to her about things that I couldn’t talk to my conservative sister, Julie about.  One morning while we were at Long Beach Island, Barb and I were finishing up our 6mile run on the island and talking  about my boyfriend, Ron.  We were covered with sweat, it looked like we just dove into the ocean and were running back to our house for breakfast. Our shirts and shorts were soaked through. The humidity was a killer. It made each step harder and hotter.  Even though our muscles ached we pushed through the pain and kept the intervals going. “When you feel like you can’t sprint anymore run 3 more blocks then walk for 2 blocks” said Barb, panting. “So,  how did you feel when Ron gave you the ring for your anniversary? Are you ready to be that serious with him?” she continued as she put much energy into producing the words and getting them out of her mouth.  “Hold on, I have a stitch in my right side that won’t go away” I said as I reached my right arm over my head and to the side to try to get rid of the dagger in my side. “I was really surprised and happy. I wanted to take our relationship to the next level, but I was afraid to say anything. I didn’t want to initiate ‘the talk’ with him, ya know?”  I effortlessly lifted up my left hand and smiled to look at the white gold band with three sections of diamonds that Ron gave me, I smiled, and then put my left hand in Barbs face to show her. “Okay, Al were almost there. Just 10 more blocks to go. How about we run 8 as fast as we can then walk the last 2?” Barb said as she forced the words out. “That’s good. The best thing you can do with Ron is be honest with him. But, be careful when you start school because things may change.” Barb said as she gasped for air between words. Each word took more and more effort as we began sprinting to our destination.