Allison Crandell

2/24/08

Essay #2-Reflection

Prof Nicholas

            I stood next to the table where the newlyweds, my brother, Matt and Barb, were sitting, while a room full of fifty people peered at me with wondering eyes. I grasped the microphone and began making my toast. Unlike any other time when I had to make a speech or do a presentation, I wasn’t nervous. My body didn’t shake, my hands didn’t sweat, and my voice didn’t tremble. I really didn’t care and now thinking back to that moment two years ago, I don’t even remember that “heart felt” toast, that the guests enjoyed, I gave.  I was making the toast because Matt and Barb asked me to and they decided not to have a bridal party, so they decided to have someone from each family give the toast.

A year prior to their wedding, Barb and I had a good relationship. She viewed me as the “little sister she never had”. I enjoyed spending time with her because I felt that I could talk to her about things that I couldn’t talk to my conservative sister, Julie about. I would talk to Barb about the usual girl things; boys, shopping, friends, and partying. When she came up on a weekend to visit we would exercise together, go shopping, or just talk.

            The close knit relationship I had with Barb plummeted as quickly as it developed. Barb is sarcastic; this is part of her personality. But her sarcasm went too far when she started making snide comments and rude gestures towards me, my family and my boyfriend, Ron. One day, Barb and my brother were spending the weekend at my house and they walked in while I was running on the treadmill. I slowed down the speed to 4.5mph to say hi to them and she looked at me up and down and said “Do you really think running is going to make you loose weight?” To add insult to injury, she knew that I was suffering from an eating disorder and seeing a counselor that was helping me get on a healthy work out and eating routine. On another occasion, Barb began mocking Julie’s parenting skills even though she has no kids. She made fun of the fact that my sister did crafts with her kids by saying, “Wow! How cute. Julie buys the materials and gives the kids paint to smear on a piece of paper and calls it a gift.” When Barb and Matt got married they asked me to give a toast, before telling me that Ron was not invited.  But, Barb invited two of her cross country runners because they made States, and other family members and family friends were allowed to bring a guest. Ron and I have been dating longer then Matt and Barb have even been together.

            Sarcasm is hurtful for some, confusing for others, and literal for the rest. People who have brain damage or those who are autistic can’t interpret sarcasm the way the rest of the population does. In most cases autistic children take sarcasm seriously.  If you said “It is raining cats and dogs outside” the autistic child would think that cats and dogs were falling from the sky. Or, if an employee came to work and their boss said “Don’t work too hard”, most people would interpret the employee as a slacker, but an autistic child would construe the conversation as the employee being a hard worker. When Barb used sarcasm to belittle the gifts that my niece and nephew created for their “meme and papa” she made a thoughtful gesture appear cheap and thoughtless.

            Michael Reddy, the author of The Conduit Metaphor — A Case of Frame Conflict in our Language about Language believes that the fallacy behind effective communication is the “conduit metaphor”. He uses the postal service to explain this metaphor. The post office represents language in which a package/communication is sent from one person to the other without corruption. In this theory one person tries to code their ideas and feelings in their own words and then the receiver identifies with these codes through their personal experiences. According to Reddy, “Words correspond to different ideas and feelings for different people, and it can take multiple attempts before an idea has been understood satisfactorily.” Every person interprets words and ideas differently from the other. Very often, it can take much effort for two people or more to communicate because of the differences in how language is interpreted in cultures, individuals, and communities.

            Robert Hetrick, PhD, who wrote the article “VIOLENCE and the POWER of WORDS”, believes that we are our own “self-abusers”. He affirms that our reaction to another person’s words is when we know the meaning of the words that are being used. Hetrick views words as sounds or written symbols that are processed by our brain and then we give these symbols a meaning. He proves his theory by showing, when a loved one speaks to you in a foreign language and speaks to you despicably; you are most likely not going to be hurt. In this situation you do not understand the words or sounds of the person speaking to you; therefore you cannot assign meanings to the symbols. This theory proves that we are in charge of our own understanding. When we understand the meaning of words, our impulse is to react. As the receiver of words, we must choose how we will react to the symbols and not be “self-abusers”.

            The relationship between Barb and I took another blow at this past Christmas when she came to visit with my brother. My parents took them, Ron, and myself out to dinner at the Turf Tavern in Scotia. Ron and I didn’t want to go, but we went for my parents because they wanted to have a relaxing and enjoyable holiday. My parents have always been supportive of our relationship and helped us with school or life when we needed it. As soon as we sat down at a circular table set for six, the sarcastic and uncouth comments began. During this awkward dinner my Dad managed to drink 1 ½ bottles of merlot and get very drunk. He insisted that if he had a cup of coffee that he would be able to drive home. I remember learning in the class Drugs and the Human Body with Dr. Strazza last semester, that caffeine does not sober up a drunk person, it keeps them awake. I shared this information with everyone else at the table and Barb turned her head at me, squinted her eyes, and raised her upper lip and said to me, “Are you kidding me? Are you really that stupid to actually listen to something your professor tells you that is completely untrue?” After she said that to me I could feel my face burning red, I was embarrassed, and completely shocked that she would even say something like that to me.

            The evening was almost over; we were finishing up our desert. The tension at the table seemed to diminish, probably because my dad was still drunk and Barb had a buzz going. Since I am the youngest and my parents had me when they were older, it has been the family joke that I am the most spoiled and according to my three older siblings “I get away with murder”. My mom and I both commented that we couldn’t believe that I was graduating in a year and I was going to have to live in the “real world”. Almost immediately after we made the comment, Barb shot out, “Allie, you will forever rely on your parents and you’re never going to grow up and live in the real world”.  At that moment I was doing everything to not stand up and slap her across her face and not cry. She not only called me “Allie”, which since I was in elementary school I hated being called, but that whole evening she insulted my intelligence and my ability to take care of myself as a responsible adult.

            I was so infuriated and hurt that I went home didn’t talk to anybody about how I felt and made plans with friends and work, so I didn’t have to be home any of the nights that Matt and Barb were there. Within a day everyone caught on that I was mad. Barb said nothing to me, not an apology, we spend the rest of the vacation not talking.

            Remembering what happened between Barb and I at Christmas, I now recognize that I did not handle myself the way that I could have. I should have confronted her and told her how upset and offended I was by her comments. Dr. Dorene Lehavi created a list known as, “The top Ways to Improve Your Communication Skills” that give short, concise statements, which can help you become a better communicator.  The statements that stood out to me and pertained to my situation the most is to be honest with my feelings and how I felt at specific moments. Bottling up emotions is dangerous and does more harm then good. If I had talked to Barb she would have known how I felt. Most importantly I need to listen to myself-how do I react inside when I’m around Barb or when she says things to me, can I change these reactions?